The Grand Final Football

After every AFL or Rugby Union game there are interviews with the players, coaches and sports commentators. There is always concern about team members’ injuries, who will be available for the following week, etc.

What about the football? I decided to interview the football used in last weekends AFL grand final.

“Only the first half. I was injured on the last kick.”

“Fortunately, it wasn’t serious, otherwise you wouldn’t be here today.”

“Internal lining tear and suspected slow leak. All fixable if they care to bother.”

“Have you always been a football?”

“No. I started life as a pig hide. Right rear loin. Did that for three years; then spent six months in a tannery.”

“How was life as a Pig Hide? Did you enjoy that?”

“Was alright at first. Female pig. Later, it was very dirty and always smelled awful; never got washed. But it got me into the right frame of mind for AFL. Conditioned me to life on the field – you know – Still dirty and smelly! But we get washed after every game.”

“Who is your favourite team?”

“I certainly like the Gold Coast. Don’t get kicked around so much. I like the long kicks from out around the fifty-metre mark. Then you get to soar with the birds.”

“And what do think of the referees?”

“HATE them! Always slamming me on the ground. And it really makes me mad when the tall guys leap up and punch me. Rotten brutes. Bad enough getting kicked all the time without the fist bashing.”

“How long can the average ball stay in the game? Is it a lengthy career?”

“Two games, then you move to practice ball. I’m lucky due to being in the championship. I’ll go into a collection somewhere. Glass case and bright lights for a while, then … who knows? Realistically, it all depends on the slow leak. They won’t want a flat ball on display.”

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“Shoe leather. I have come into contact with former footballs that were recycled into all manner of sports shoes. BUT I suppose there could be worse things. Doggy snack chews would be my worst nightmare.”