Conversations With a Car Spider

Everyone that has ever owned a car for over 3 years has had car spiders.

Sometimes they are tiny little creatures that you never see, only evident by the dainty webs they leave on the side view mirror or around the license plate.

Others are great hairy long legged tarantulas that delight in racing across the windscreen when you least expect them, causing immediate panic – “Is it inside or outside the car?”

These antics can cause accidents, result in serious mental stress, and occasionally, total abandonment of the vehicle in the middle of busy intersections.

I have had a number of car spiders over the years, and yes, they have caused me concern. They cause the wife even more concern when it turns out they are IN the car.

Entire containers of insect spray have been expended in rash attempts to destroy these resilient creatures. It only results in damage to the duco or stains on the upholstery. Even if you are successful in your attempt to maim or kill the automotive arachnid, there will be a backup team that moves in within hours. Before you can defeat the fanatical car spider, you have to understand it.

I came to appreciate the finer points of these dare devil bonnet surfers when I had to drive some 225 km’s daily travelling to a distant client site for over 6 months. My companion at the time was a relatively tiny brown spider that had taken up residence in the dashboard. It left a small but very neatly constructed lace work around the face of the radio display every night, ignoring the destruction that took place when I wiped it away each morning.

As the journey to the clients was long and boring, I would listen to the radio, moving stations as I passed through different frequency areas. At times some article on a news broadcast would catch my attention and I would murmur some comment, in regards the content or the way it had been delivered. When a particularly good piece of music finished I often made an exclamation of approval.

For reasons I no longer remember, I began to direct these verbal throwaways at the car spider. “Wouldn’t that frost your web?” and similar statements, simply because I wanted to say something to someone, and the spider was the only one available. This was innocent enough, no harm, perhaps a little eccentric, but nothing inflicted on others. Just me and the spider.

Then the spider started answering back.

It was just after I had verbally complained about the poor broadcast quality of a particular piece of music. “Never have liked that station” seemed to come from the radio speaker.

It registered on my subconscious but I was absorbed in other thoughts by now and I didn’t give it any attention.

On the way home I was grumbling to myself about the stupidity of certain of the client’s employees. A clearly audible voice cut in with “Had a bad day? Mine wasn’t particularly good either”. This time I immediately sat to attention.

“Who’s that? Where are you?” I was searching the rear view mirror as I pulled the car off the road.

“It’s your travelling companion and I am right here in the radio where I have always been”, came the response to my excited query.

“Don’t be silly, people can’t live in a radio. Where are you and how are broadcasting to me? What right have you to bug my car?”

“Easy on there, I’m an arachnid, not an ordinary bug!”

“The car spider?” I was stunned at first, then reality set in and I realised someone had played a nasty prank. What prat had planted a listening device and tapped into my car speakers.

“It has taken me quite awhile to sort out the circuitry, and I did get a couple of extremely near fatal shocks, but it all works. Now I don’t have to just sit here and listen to you all the time. I too have opinions and like to express them.”

“Ok smart ass, express away, I am on my way to the car radio store to get you sorted.”

“Oh, if you are going to do that I must retreat to a safer place.

Goodbye! I’ll discuss this with you a later time.”